


Love Letters I'm Never Going To Send

by The_Gay_Feminist



Category: Original Work
Genre: Love Confessions, Love Letters, Love Letters I'm Never Going To Send, Other
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-19
Updated: 2019-05-13
Packaged: 2019-06-29 14:25:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 2,817
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15731244
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Gay_Feminist/pseuds/The_Gay_Feminist
Summary: Basically, I have too many attraction based crushes so I'm writing these letters to clear my head a little bit. Publishing them makes me feel like I'm indirectly telling the person, so it helps me get over them. I don't know why it works, but it does. Enjoy.





	1. Zach Deryke

Dear Zach,

Obviously, I don't really know you. I know that you're going into senior year, that you're in band; you play saxophone. You're on the cafeteria wall, I know this because I had to look up your Instagram to remember if you were a senior or not. So, I don't know much about you, or anything about what you're like. At all. However, you gave my sqaud directions (corrections? Whatever word fits best there,) at band camp when squad leaders switched, and you were just ridiculously nice, even though we sucked. And of course, you're pretty cute too, so I was screwed from the start. I didn't even know your name yet at that point. Next time I saw you was at uniform fittings, and I was soaked from the rain and in ballet attire. We had a few seconds of eye contact, which was simultaneously the most terrifying and exciting moment of my week. This fact either says that I have no life, or I get way too excited about boys. Both are accurate, so you get to pick which one you want to think. Anyways, this was basically a really long way of saying I think you're cute. Maybe now I will be able to stop watching rom-coms, now that I have some of my excess emotions out of me and onto paper. Hopefully you never read this, and if you do, I pray you don't know it's about you. I don't know you well enough to know if you would be on AO3.

Here's to being honest with everyone.  
~R


	2. Benjamin Ladd

Dear Ben,

There's this thing Heather and I talk about a lot, it's called the "Ben Phase". Our theory is that every partially straight girl in our grade has liked you or thought you were cute for at least one part of the grade school experience. Heather has, Maya and Sydney both have, Samantha has. So basically, I'm saying I'm shocked you've never had like 12 girls fighting over you in front of you like those stupid scenes in old rom-coms, simply because so many people I know have had crushes on you. Anyways, back to what I was going to say. Shortly before Sydney exposed me, I asked you if we were friends. I mean it seemed like we were, but I know how you are with throwing that title around. And now I'm going to assure you I wasn't going to go into... that... right then. I don't remember where I was going, the whole "I know you like me" kind of threw me off course, but it definitely wasn't there. You also need to know that I had told Syd I like you mere minutes before she told you, so that was a little bit frustrating and soul crushing. Moral of the story, don't trust Sydney with anything. After that you just stopped talking to me, and I'm assuming it because of the incident, because just before we were having a pretty good conversation. Even though you've claimed multiple times that you aren't mad and you don't hate me or whatever, that's where my mind goes whenever you shut me down, or don't even try to act interested. Like seriously, at this point I just wanna be friends. But you aren't even going to give me a chance, obviously. Like, what do you think I'm going to do that makes you avoid any and all conversation with me like the plauge? Do you think that if you talk to me I'm going to like swoon? Maybe slam you against a locker and force you to make out with me? I have to go through seven stages of drafting and rewriting before I can comment on my best friend's Instagram posts because everyone can see it. Do I seem like the type of person who would even ask out a guy? Let alone... the previously mentioned... scene? I just wish it wasn't so awkward and cold. On a completely unrelated note, I have a few questions that you wouldn't have to answer if you didn't want, if I were to send this to you. Why don't you like people touching you? Or rephrased, why do you hate it so much? Also, your friends know you don't like stuff like that and yet they still do things like the hover hand thing and repeatedly jabbing your back? That has to be so frustrating, why do you let them do that to you? Also, (I swear I'm almost done just let me ramble for a little while longer,) Hudson being able to "pick up" "vibes" from people being used as evidence that you're 100% gay is bullshit, because Sydney, Emily, and I are all not straight and he wouldn't have know better. He just thinks since you don't have a girlfriend (that I know of my apologies if you exist ma'am,) you're automatically gay and I think that a load of shit. Long story short, I think you're pretty cute, I would date you if you asked, but since you've made it quite clear you don't like me like that (maybe you don't like me at all, I don't know anymore,) I won't push at it anymore. I would like to become friends, though.

Here's to being honest with everyone.  
~R


	3. Chase Lutz

Dear Chase,

I don't even know how I feel about you anymore. I used to love you, while you dated Arista, and I don't know if I stopped loving you, or if I just got distracted by high school and you left my eye. I do know that you give the best hugs, and that I enjoy hanging out with you. I miss you, that's for sure. I tried to ask you to hang out during Dexter Daze but you didn't 'feel good'. Now there's always the possibility that you just got sick all of a sudden, it happens to me all the time, and part of me knows for certain there's a good reason you didn't come, given you all for a few minutes before. However, another part of me automatically goes to lying to get out of things, and I automatically assume you just didn't want to tell me you had better plans already. Because you're incredibly polite and you would never say "I have a better offer so I no longer want to this". Recently I've been in desperate need of a hug and no one I see regularly is good enough at hugging to get rid of it. I think I might like you again. Just a little. I would definitely go out with you if you asked, as of right now, but unless you broke up with Hannah ( or y'all never dated in the first place; rumors are nasty in high school and I never heard it from you,) you're taken.

Here's to being honest with everyone.  
~R


	4. Annika Seigel

Dear Ani,

I am absolutely head over heels in love with you. Or, it might be the thought of you. Your perfect pixie cut, your chocolate brown eyes, your contagious smile, your Rosy pink lips. It's all beautiful. And that's just your physical appearance. You have the voice of an angel, your fingers strumming over your guitar strings effortlessly as if it were part of you. I met you at Blue Lake. You were in a different cabin than me, so I didn't really meet you until talent show auditions, you were singing Voyage when I walked out, and honestly, I think I fell in love right then. I took a video of it on my camera, and I cherish the knowledge that I heard it before you released it to the public. So did the rest of our unit, but that's not important. From that point on I made it my mission to bump into you as often as possible. Later that day you played another original, this one called Flea Market Street. I'm choreographing a dance to it so I can compete with your song next year. Also I'm taking a trip to a real flea market for inspiration in your honor. Our first real conversation was the Fourth of July, when we ran back to the unit together during the fireworks, both of us were laughing about how stupid it was that we had to race to the showers. Then we complained about the number of spiders in the showers whilst showering, which is the epitome of camp friendship. The next day you casually mentioned a boyfriend. Stung. Anyways, we sat next to each other at the pizza party, and at the point I was pretty sure you knew. On the last day, your dog Benny (named after Benadryl Cucumber) was there when your parents picked you up. I better your dog so I would have a reason to say goodbye. I got home that afternoon and followed you and your band account on Instagram, then asked for permission to use your song for a duet. A few weeks ago you did a live stream and you sang a song simply because you were bored. That when I realized I was in love with you. I couldn't stop smiling the whole song. However, like I said earlier we've had approximately three real conversations. And you're probably straight. So. I'll just keep listening to my Hayley Kiyoko music and writing stories about you.

Here's to being honest.  
~R


	5. Noah Schultz

Dear Noah,

I know I tease you all the time about your hair and crap, and I know I always fuck it up at school, I do really love your hair. When you don't put crap in it super nice and I just want to run my fingers through it. You are also one of the only people who will stay on the 3-hour call with me until 4 a. M. I appreciate it. I may have minor crush on you. We are going to the beach together this weekend, and honestly I'm so excited to see you. I hope you have classes together next year it'll be a huge bummer if I don't get to see you at all. Last night I got the previously mentioned call, you kept bringing up this girl you met on Discord and how cute she was. I think her name was Angela. You sent me a photo and she had dark hair with these icy blue eyes and honestly, she was striking. Then you went on and on about how sweet and nice and cute she was, and how she thought you were hot. All while you were doing that I was thinking about how I can make myself more like her. I mean, I already think you're pretty hot, with your dumb dimply smile and your freaking washboard abs, and your floppy hair. I think I'm pretty nice, I only tease you a little bit and even then it's playful and jokingly. I can't do much about my appearance, sadly. I'm going to try to stop this because we're already such good friends and I don't want to ruin that with my excessive emotions, so I'm going to write them down Huron paper before Saturday so maybe I'll be able to function as a human being with you walking around shirtless. I don't want to be all stuttering and blushing because you have like a crush sensor and you will know. Also if I don't talk about this now there's a real chance I'll either A.) accidentally bring it up other day like I did with your abs last night, or B.) start badly flirting because I have no self-control. anyways, back to the main point. You seem to be more sexual person based on our previous conversations, and I don't know if I'd be down for that just yet in my life, but I could see us having a very romantic and cute relationship, like cuddling and kissing stuff. I do really like you. Honestly, if I didn't know about Angela and all your other crushes I probably wouldn't have written this, because I'd be fine with being flirty if I didn't know you had eyes for other girls. Also your kind of a bit of a liar. I asked you one time if you had a crush on one of my friends and you said you had a small one despite telling her a few days earlier that she was the biggest crush you had, and then later in the phone call you claimed you could 'tolerate her as a friend' so what gives, Noah.

Here's to being honest.  
~R

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Literally the night after I wrote this I snuck over to his house and we kinda sorta almost made out?? So I mean. I don't know what that means. I mean we kissed and there was a bit of cuddling but there was also so butt grabbing and shit so I don't even know anymore guys. Send help. Ya girl is down for the count.
> 
> Now he's dating my best friend (Sydney Butler) so like. Upsetti spaghetti.


	6. Sydney Butler

Dear Sydney,

You are my best friend and I love you more than anyone else in the entire world. And I'm a horrible person. And I'm so sorry.

I'm not honest enough.  
~R


	7. Leo Varitek

Dear Leo,

I actually really like you a lot, but I feel as though you might be something in my head trying to find someone, anyone, who likes me that I also could potentially like back. My most recent boyfriend really liked me, which made me feel obligated to date him and that made me miserable, and I have an inkling of a feeling that you are simply a twisted sort of a rebound. But obviously, if I'm sitting here in the middle of the day on a snow day, writing about you when I am supposed to be studying for my english final, you are taking up a pretty big chunk of my mind. And that's an issue for me, considering you are in the english class I'm supposed to be studying for right now. Cause when I think about the class I think about you, despite the fact that I'm pretty sure you like either ali, the girl sitting next to you, or anna, the girl sitting next to me, and definitely not me. Also I told myself I would just wait until I get done with high school and started college before I would date anyone else because of how bad my first dating experience made me feel, and yet HERE I am, once again, falling to pieces ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°). Okay anyways. Fun story, yesterday you were dressed up super nice at school tie and everything, but you know what was going through my head, despite the fact that I'm scared to make eye contact with you or converse and I cant flirt to save my life? How I should, when class gets out, gently grab onto the tie and pull you down towards me just a little so I could say nice tie. WHich is extrememly uncharacteristic of me and how I normally behave, considering i've never been one to do anything flirty like that to anyone EVER anyways I just wanted to get this out so maybe I can study effectively, but it looks instead that I'm gonna go write some miraculous ladybug fanfiction because that is the life i'm leading right now and I hate everything so. Hope you like me back, even though I'm probably gonna end up screwing up or hurting you like I do everyone who loves me. Thanks. Here's to being honest. ~R.


	8. Ashley Mitchell

Dear Ashley,

I'm like 98% sure you're straight so like. Love that for me. And ya know, you're a year younger than me and like a lot of inches taller than me but I also like my dates to be taller so ya know there you go. Okay. SO let's go. I've danced with you for almost four years, and I've watched you improve over the last few years and I really do love you're style of dance. You're so talented. Alright so this next part is going to sound. Kind of shallow but I mean I'm being honest so. You're literally so pretty I love your hair so much I just wanna run my fingers through it, and your legs are so long (TBH that's why I actually realized I liked you, I was watching you dance on Saturday before competition and you were wearing jogging shorts an wowwee HAWT) and you're SO INCREDIBLY SWEET AND CARING I just. Literally love.

Here's to being honest.  
~R


	9. Leo Varitek - Again Because I'm Hopeless

Dear Leo,

Fuck you Jesus Christ. Why can't you just not be like. Good for a second. Be a dick or something make me NOT like you holy shit. You are literally so nice and sweet and I cannot stop thinking about you it's a huge issue. Ughsndbs. God I just want to talk to you but I'm so nervous around you I act like a damn 7th grader with my stupid stuttering and dumb plots to accidentally brush up against you like I can not stress how stupid you make me. It's an issue. I like you so much I hate it I need to not. You like Gabby Napolitan and you're dating her so I need to stop.

Here's to being honest.  
~R


End file.
